


Two Hawkes went to America

by lisakodysam



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Contradictory Fade theory, Deals with Demons, F/M, Farce, Humour, Justice, Murder, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Pedantic beta reader, Revenge, Self-aware story characters, Sex, Sexual Themes, Strong Language, Temptation, Violence, wanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-25
Updated: 2014-03-25
Packaged: 2018-01-17 01:12:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1368460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lisakodysam/pseuds/lisakodysam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two friends have fun when they meet up with the characters from their respective fanfics, but Anders--jealous of Lorelai Hawke's new husband, Sebastian--has to go and ruin everything.</p><p>He doesn't get away with it.</p><p>(Better description in Author's Notes).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Hawkes went to America

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CCBug](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CCBug/gifts).



> Written for my dear friend CCBug (Carrie). A little heads-up: Carrie and I have established a tradition of writing a story for the other's birthday each year as she lives in the US and I (Lisa) live in England. The general theme of these stories usually involves us eating a curry that's so strong it induces a dream where we meet the characters from our fanfics. Farce usually ensues.
> 
> Regular readers of Per Ardua ad Astra will already be familiar with Fletcher Hawke and pals, who feature in this story. You may also find it helpful to read 'Two Hawkes walked into a Bar' and 'The Long and the Short of it' (both part of the PAAA series), as there are a few references to both stories in this one, but it can be read as a standalone.
> 
> The only characters you might not know are from Carrie's epic story, Aftermath, published on Fanfiction.net. Quick version: Lorelai Hawke stabbed her former lover Anders after the destruction of the chantry and left him for dead. He survived, however, but Justice did not. Anders fled to the Tevinter Imperium while Lorelai, pregnant and unwed, accepted the honorable marriage proposal of Sebastian. They eventually fell in love for real, and Anders is very, *very* jealous. 
> 
> Poor Anders inevitably ends up as whipping boy in these short stories we write for each other, but to any outraged Anders fans out there: we love him really. :)

"Hey, there!" Carrie said cheerily into the handset to her friend in England. "How are you?"

Lisa looked out of the window and sighed.  "Oh, fine, it's pissing down with rain, though. How's it by you?"

"Talking about the weather? Really?" Carrie joked. "That's not like you at all."

"An American who understands sarcasm!  Heaven be praised!" Lisa teased.  "Look, I'm British. That's what we _do_. Besides, it's been at least a whole five minutes since you've mentioned it's snowing by you. Again. _Yawn."_

The two friends laughed and exchanged banter for a little while before getting to the _really_ important stuff.

"Ah, man, that's a tough one," Carrie said, tapping a finger against her chin. "See, Donnic's all gruff and grizzly, and he's built like a brick bathroom, but Nathaniel's got that dark side to him, the broodiness, the seething, pent-up emotions…"

"So which one's got the biggest cock?" asked Lisa. "Come on, don't beat about the bush!"

"Ha! You get a taste of either of _those_ boy's cocks, sweetie, and your bush would be beaten to _shee_ yat."

"Answer the question!" Lisa demanded.

"Damn it!" complained Carrie. "I can't choose… ah, fuck it then, Donnic!"

There was a beat of silence from Lisa's end. "I'll see your Donnic and raise you a Fenris."

"Ugh! Evil cow!"

"Are you going to see my bet or do you concede?"

"Pasty-ass harpy!"

"Yeah, a pasty-ass harpy with _cigarettes._ Twenty of 'em. Ha! Want one? Oh, sorry, you _can't_ because your husband doesn't know you smoke!"

This time, the silence came from Carrie's side.

"Hello? You still there?"

Silence.

"Carrie? Hello?"

"I'll see your Fenris and raise you an Arishok."

" _What?"_

"You heard me just fine. Beat that, then!"

Silence.

"You drinkin' that tea there, honey?" Carrie teased. "Eatin' them fish and chips? Cat got your tongue? Aw, she's tongue-tied, bless her heart."

"Don't you 'bless her heart' me! I know what that means in the South! And I'm eating curry if you must know!"

"So, not a stereotypical Brit at all," Carrie muttered, just loud enough for Lisa to hear.

"Oh, and you're not a stereotypical southern gal, are you."

"Sure I am and pro-diddly-oud of it! And I'll bet you can name shitloads of examples why!"

"Well, because… because, uh, well, you say 'y'all' all the time, that's why!"

"That all you got?"

"Do I need more?"

"Sweetie, remember that email you sent me this morning? And I quote: 'So, what are y'all up to today'?"

"That's you and your Americanisms influencing me! It's not enough that you slaughter the English language with all your zeds and completely ignoring the letter U—"

"It's 'zee'."

"I don't think so."

"I _believe_ I said Arishok. Your move."

"This is a stupid game. Comparing the cocks of men that don't even exist? How old are we?"

"Uh-huh. Not 'cause you're losing, then?"

"Uh-huh? That's your answer to everything!"

"I'm waiting…"

"All right, then! How about this? I'll see your Arishok and raise you an Archdemon! Beat that, smart arse!"

The sound of a hand set being dropped was heard. "Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"What the—"

"… ahahahahahahahah!"

"Carrie!"

"… ahh… ahahah… oh, chick, you made me pee myself! I'm takin' you to the loo, okay? Oh, mercy!"

"What is so funny? And ha, pissy knickers!"

"The Archdemon's a girl, sweetie."

"No it bloody well isn't!"

"Check the codex, it says that drakes are the male form of dragons in Dragon Age, and that the old Gods—"

"Oh, stuff the bloody codex!"

"Hold on, chick, just parking my butt… ah," Carrie sighed in relief as her bladder, ravaged by three kids, emptied itself again. "Y'know, I don't take any of my other friends to the can with me. You should be honoured."

"Uh, thanks, I think."

"I love these chats we have."

"Me too!" Her indignation melting away, Lisa chuckled. "Okay, I'll let you have this one. You win with the Arishok. First prize, you get to shag him. I'll take the runners-up."

"Hey! No fair! I want the runners-up too! And we didn't even mention Sebastian!"

"That's because this was a contest for biggest cock? I doubt Sebastian even _has_ a knob."

"Oh, them's fightin' words, girl!" Carrie threatened as she flushed the toilet.

"I'll let you have Nathaniel, but I get Fen-Fen."

"Deal!"

"Yay! I got Fen! You can have Sebastian No-Dick as a consolation prize."

"He's got a tongue…"

"You have a point. Unlike Sebastian."

"I see you're eatin' evil curry too, chick."

"Mm-hm," Lisa mumbled between mouthfuls. "This is vindaloo, and you couldn't handle it."

"Vindaloo? Isn't that like, really, really hot?" questioned Carrie.

"Yep," Lisa replied, smacking her lips. "I think the 'loo' part speaks for itself."

"I'm not sure you should be eating curry while we're on the phone, y'know, chick," Carrie said, sounding concerned. "Our track record with curry and technology going wrong isn't exactly great."

"Yeah, but that's when we've _both_ eaten curry and when we're using something like a laptop or something… oh, shit."

"Lise? What's up?"

"I just dropped some curry on my phone."

"Quick, grab a cloth, chick!" Carrie advised, going into Mom mode. "That shit stains _everything."_

"Carrie?" Lisa mumbled. "I… don't feel so good. Everything's gone all wobbly."

"Hey, are you okay?" asked Carrie, worried for her friend. "You need to lie down?"

There was no reply, and a strange hissing sound could be heard down the phone. "Lisa? Are you there? What the hell's going on?"

"You tell me," said a voice from behind Carrie and the American woman spun around, almost dropping the phone again when she came face-to-face with Lisa, who was standing in her study.

Both women stared at each other, stupefied, for a few seconds before Carrie whooped and punched the air. Lisa, however, was more practical about the matter.

"Really? I drop curry onto my phone and fly three-and-a-half thousand miles in the blink of an eye? I mean, really?"

"Hey, at least you didn't need to get on a plane, right?" Carrie pointed out, but Lisa shook her head.

"You know that conversation we had once when you said all of that other curry-related stuff must have been a dream, and I argued that it was real? It looks like you were right. This can't be real, can it?"

Carrie took a few tentative steps towards her friend and prodded her arm. "Well, you feel real enough to me, chick."

Lisa reciprocated Carrie's arm prod, finding her American friend was also solid. "Shit."

"Huh, great to see you, too," muttered Carrie.

"Oh, I didn't mean…" Lisa smiled and hugged her friend before shaking her head, her look of worry returning. "It's just, how am I supposed to get back? I've got to be at work tomorrow! I don't even have a sodding passport!"

"Well, you might need to call in sick to work, sweetie," Carrie pointed out, steering Lisa to her chair. "If you're still here tomorrow, we'll work something out. Hey, you need to call home? They might be worried. You can call from here." She held out her phone.

"No, it was quite late when I called, and everyone's gone to bed. Unless I'm also in bed and this is all a dream. It's got to be, hasn't it?"

"Well, if it is, let's make the most of it!" chirped the optimistic Carrie. "Lemme give you a tour of the house, then I'll make some tea, aaaaand I've got some Reese's peanut butter cups to go with it."

"This is the _best_ dream I've ever had," Lisa said, her eyes shining at the mention of her beloved PB cups, which she couldn't get in England.

Carrie started to laugh, but then she held a hand up. "Did you hear that?" she whispered.

"Hear what?"

"Someone's upstairs."

"Could it be Charles? One of the kids?"

"No, he's at work and the kids are at school." Carrie pressed a finger to her lips, grabbed Lisa's arm and pulled her into the next room, moving to a locked cabinet on the wall.

Lisa watched as Carrie unlocked it, before backing away and covering her mouth with her hands when the contents of the cabinet were revealed.

Carrie reached for a shotgun as casually as if it was a piece of laundry to be folded, and Lisa scampered away, taking cover behind one of the curtains, which she wrapped around herself. "Watch where you point that thing!" she hissed.

Carrie rolled her eyes. "Word to the wise, chick, a drape ain't gonna save you from this bad boy. Anyway, the safety's on." She then looked up as one of the toilets was flushed upstairs. "Huh… someone breaks into my house and uses the bathroom?"

"Maybe they've had three kids?" Lisa joked from her hiding place.

"Another word to the wise," Carrie teased, "don't makes jokes about someone holding a gun."

From upstairs came a long, loud laugh.

"What the hell is he doing up there?" Carrie demanded, heading for the stairs.

"Wait!" Lisa exclaimed, emerging from cover and grabbing Carrie's arm. "That sounds like…"

"This is brilliant!" the man from upstairs said. "Why don't we have these in Kirkwall, Fen?" The toilet was flushed again.

"That's Nicholas Boulton's voice!" Lisa deduced. "Male Hawke!"

Carrie replaced the gun in the cabinet and locked it before looking at Lisa and folding her arms. "Okay. What story were you working on today?"

"Uh, well, you know it's your birthday soon? I was writing a story as a surprise. 'Two Hawkes went to America'."

Carrie's face lit up. "Really? That's so cool of you! Wait… does that mean… they're _here?_ "

From upstairs, a different sound was heard: a muffled, rhythmic banging, which came at approximately one-second intervals.

"What's that?" Lisa asked. "Bit of air in the heating system?"

"No, it's coming from my bedroom! They're… oh, are you serious? On my freaking bed? I just changed the sheets!"

Carrie ran towards the stairs and sped up them, Lisa struggling to keep up. When Lisa finally found Carrie, she was standing in a doorway, her mouth hanging open.

Lisa slowly approached, the banging sound much clearer now, as well as faster. She arrived at Carrie's side, her own eyes out on stalks.

There, on Carrie's bed, Lorelai Hawke was being shagged senseless by Sebastian. The rogue's legs were high in the air, her arms pinned above her head, and the chantry brother's buttocks clenched and unclenched as he hammered into her.

"Guess he does have a wiener, huh?" Carrie whispered.

"Oh, my," Lisa muttered, fanning her face with her hand.

"Let's not interrupt them," said Carrie, her voice hoarse. "Could be, uh, bad for them. Psychologically, or whatever."

Lisa could only nod slowly in reply, and both women watched the spectacle, unconsciously biting their lips.

"Andraste, fergive meh!" Sebastian grunted as he nailed his wife to the bed.

"Yes! Forgive him for splitting me in half!" screamed Lorelai.

Carrie raised a hand to her mouth, sniggering, before she jumped as her shoulder was tapped from behind.

"Psst!" Fletcher Hawke stood behind them, his eyes also fixed on the bed, deep tooth marks in his bottom lip. "Just _look_ at that bum!"

"Fletcher!" Lisa exclaimed, hugging her mage before Fenris stepped forward, giving the three voyeurs a severe look.

"This is a private act between two people," the elf rebuked them. "We have no business here."

"No business?" Carrie spluttered. "They're doin' it on my freakin' bed!"

"And she just changed the sheets," Lisa whispered.

Fenris's gaze fell to the floor and he bowed to Carrie. "In that case, I humbly withdraw my admonishment. I apologise."

"Maker!" Sebastian shouted, making no signs of withdrawing anything. "I can see the Maker, Lorelai!"

"That's b-b-b-b-blasphemeeeeeeeeehEEEEEEEE! Oh, Seb! Seeeeeeeeeeeb!"

"Silence, harlot!" Sebastian ordered, sweat pouring down his face. "Ye're a dirty little maleficar, aren't ye?"

"I am! Punish me, Seb! Drive that demon bitch out of me!"

Carrie slowly turned towards Lisa, giving her friend a sceptical look. "You wrote Sebastian to talk dirty? Seriously?"

"These religious types are the filthiest of the lot," Lisa teased. "I mean, come on, there's a hole in that picture above your bed! I don't want to know what that's about, but hey, what goes on behind closed doors is none of my business."

"Hole?" Carrie craned her head around the door frame, a look of outrage crossing her features as she spotted a small hole in the stunning landscape piece. "That picture cost five hundred dollars! What the fuck?"

"You mean you didn't do that?" asked Lisa.

"Hell no! What do you think I am, some kind of pervert?"

"Charles, maybe?" Lisa backed off a step as Carrie fixed her with a fierce look. "Okay, not Charles. Got it. Um…"

A throat was quietly cleared from further along the landing, and they all turned to see that Fenris had moved away, and was standing behind the wall where the picture was hanging. The elf jerked his head, indicating that they join him.

They moved to his side and peered around the corner.

"Disgraceful," Fenris spat.

Anders was pressed against the wall, peering through a hole he'd gouged in the drywall with a knife.

"Dirty cheating whore!" he raged as his fingers clawed against the wall. " _He_ can't visit you in the Fade and have sex with you without your knowledge, can he? _Oh_ , no! What's he got that I haven't? Oh… Maker…"

Catching a glimpse of one of Lorelai's nipples proved too much for him, and one of his hands slowly moved downward. "Whore," he moaned, his hand slipping beneath his breeches, his breathing laboured. "You bloody love it, don't you, you tart?"

"Oh, leave it out, mate!" exclaimed Fletcher in disgust, and Anders leapt away from the wall, his hand still jammed down his pants.

"Hey! Not my fault!" he protested, pointing at Carrie with his free hand. "I didn't write this!"

"Neither did I!" she argued, looking at Lisa.

Lisa's mouth gaped open. "This is for your birthday!"

"Oh yeah, thanks a lot! My painting's got a hole in it, I'll need to change my sheets again –maybe my entire _bed—_ and there are figments of our imagination running around my house!"

" _You_ are meant to be dead," Fenris sneered at Anders, stalking over to the mage. "Lorelai Hawke stabbed you and left you for dead. My counterpart crushed your heart in the Hanged Man. Why will you not die as you should and please everyone? I am more than willing to hasten your third journey to the Void."

"Wait!" Anders pleaded, dismayed that no one had leapt to his defence. "I was written this way! I didn't want to destroy the chantry and kill Edwina or whatever her bloody name was!"

"Her name was Elthina, murderer!" a deadly voice said from behind them.

"You!" Anders barked, charging towards Sebastian, who'd put his trousers back on. "You have the nerve to lecture me? You're in there fucking my Lorelai!"

"She is ma wife!" bellowed the archer, his hands clenched into fists. "I have every right to enjoy carnal relations with her! You have no rights at all, degenerate!"

"Is that right?" stormed the mage. "Well, I know when a woman's faking it and when she isn't! She used to squeal like a bloody pig when I fucked her!"

He immediately shielded his face with his hands, expecting a blow. Sadly, he failed to protect his bollocks, which were crushed under the force of Sebastian's boot.

"Bastard!" he wailed as he crumpled to the floor, protectively and belatedly cupping his manhood.

"Yes, writhe about like the worm you are!" Fenris mocked, standing over the mage.

"Fen," Fletcher cajoled, "this is beneath you. You're not like this anymore."

The elf huffed and gave Fletcher a sour look, but desisted his gloating and moved to the mage's side. "I leave his fate to you," he said to Sebastian.

"Allow me!" A completely naked Lorelai emerged from the bedroom, brandishing a letter opener she'd found in one of Carrie's drawers.

"Darlin', cover yerself!" Sebastian spluttered.

"Why? Anders has seen me naked before," she pointed at Fletcher and Fenris, "these two are gay and the other two are girls! What's a bit of muff between friends?"

She slowly walked up to Anders, feeling repulsed as his eyes moved to her tits. "Yes, take it all in, Anders! This is the last time you'll ever see these puppies! Now I'm going to finish what I failed to do the last time!"

"Lorelai, no!" Carrie yelled as the rogue plunged the letter opener into Anders's gut. "Aw! This carpet's brand new!"

"And white," Fenris noted unnecessarily.

Anders fell to his knees, his blood spilling onto Carrie's pride and joy. He looked up at Lorelai's tits, longing and grief on his face.

"My eyes are up here, twat!" Lorelai hissed as she jammed the weapon into Anders's windpipe. The mage gurgled and slumped down, quite dead.

Everyone else stood and stared, while Sebastian ran into Carrie's bedroom where he retrieved a sheet, hastily wrapping it around his wife.

"Maker naaaugh!" Carrie howled, dropping to her knees, completely ignoring Anders as she tenderly stroked the ruined carpet. "You were my most faithful, my most beloved! Why didn't you _listen_ to me?"

"Uh, chick?" Lisa prompted as Sebastian scratched his head, looking bewildered.

Carrie looked up, her murderous gaze on Anders. "I swear to you, I will _kill_ him."

Lisa bent down, gently patting her friend's shoulder. "He's already dead, chick. It's… only a carpet."

"You know," Fletcher said to Carrie, clasping his chin, "I think you could make this work. Looking at your home, I see you like classic shades of brown and cream, right? Well, when the blood dries it'll turn brown, and that _is_ quite an attractive splatter pattern."

"But I don't _do_ splatters! I like everything to be neat and concise and ordered!"

Fletcher shook his head. "No, you've got a bohemian side, I can see it in your eyes. You _need_ this splatter in your life."

"I… do?"

"You could tell people it's designer," Lisa added, hoping to sweeten the pot as technically, the fate of Carrie's carpet was her fault. "Looks like a Jackson Pollock to me."

Carrie tilted her head, stood up and examined the carnage. "Hm. Maybe with a rug placed over it?"

Fletcher snapped his fingers. "Yes, yes! I can see it now! Just a soupcon of splatter around the edges, enough to tease and titillate the observer. It'll be a triumph, darling!" He grabbed Carrie's face and gave her a big sloppy kiss on the cheek. "Mwah! You're a genius!"

"Quit it!" she laughed, pushing him away. "I don't know where that mouth's been."

"I'll tell you, if you're really curious," he joked with a wink and a glance at Fenris. "But I think you can work it out."

"Yes, laugh it up, all of you!" said a disembodied voice, and a spectral outline appeared before their eyes.

"Oh, great, now my house is haunted!" complained Carrie.

"You think that's bad?" Ghost Anders retorted. "This is the second time I've been killed!"

"Will you not take the hint this time and remain dead?" Fenris questioned hatefully. "Begone, foul spirit!"

"Okay, this is getting outta hand," Carrie declared. "Everyone, house meeting, downstairs, now!"

"We are your humble servants, madam," declared Sebastian with a bow. "I'll just fetch the others."

"Wait, what, now?" Carrie demanded, her mouth moving like a fish out of water as Lisa grabbed her arm.

OoOoO

"Let me get this straight," Carrie began, addressing everyone seated at the large dining table, as well as those who were standing. "Not only do we have Sebastian and Lorelai, and Fletcher and Fenris, but—"

"Allow me, dear lady," Varric said with warmth in his voice. "We also have the good captain, the Rivaini, Daisy, and Yours Truly, of course."

"Excuse me! Aren't you forgetting someone?"

Varric sighed. "And Blondie. Dead, see-through Blondie. Again."

"Okay," said Carrie. "Which stories are y'all from?"

Merrill squealed and bounced in her chair. "I'm from your story, Carrie. Blooming good thing, too. I hear the other Merrill's sort of been… forgotten about."

Lisa shifted uncomfortably. "Not forgotten, just, uh, well, Carrie writes you so well, I can't compete."

Merrill grinned at that, while Carrie refrained from uttering another 'Uh-huh'.

"Who is this _adorable_ fellow?" Isabela purred from the mantelpiece, fingering a framed photograph. "His spectacles are cute, and what a winning smile! I simply _must_ meet him. Where is he?"

Carrie shot out of her chair and snatched the photo of her husband from the pirate, steering her back to the dining table. "No one you'd be interested in. He's, ah, a policeman and totally square. Doesn't want to have any fun. Ever. And that picture's about 50 years old. Oh, and he's gay. And _you_ can stop looking, Fletcher. He's spoken for."

"Drat!" Isabela pouted, crossing her arms. "Always the nice ones, isn't it, Fenris?"

"Who _isn't_ nice to you?" muttered the elf.

"So which story are you from, Isabela?" Lisa asked.

"Search me, Cuddles. I seem to have been forgotten about in both stories, but I put that down to the fact that _neither_ author can do me justice. No matter, I'm just happy to be here!"

"I'm not sure which story I'm from, either," Aveline interjected, "but whichever one it is, it's not hers," she added with a glance at the pirate, who poked her tongue out.

"Have you shagged Donnic yet?" Carrie queried.

"Have I… whaaat?" Aveline flushed red. "That's none of your sodding business, I'll have you know!"

"She's from PAAA," Lisa guessed. "And you, Varric?"

The dwarf sat back in his chair and steepled his fingers. "Just think of me as a friendly—not to mention, handsome, charming and astute—well-wisher, observer and recorder."

Lisa blinked. "Okay, at least your evasiveness is in character."

"I don't mean to be cheeky," Fletcher said, "but I don't suppose you have any grub around here, do you?"

Carrie nodded and rose, beckoning them all to follow her to the kitchen. "Knock yourself out, tiger," she invited, opening a few cupboards and the fridge.

"Hey, where are the PB cups?" Lisa whispered to her friend while the others examined the huge array of foodstuffs.

"They're safe, chick, don't worry," Carrie replied with a grin. "Fletcher can't get to them."

Lisa visibly exhaled and then laughed as Fletcher removed several large platters and trays from the fridge.

"Blimey, Carrie, you've got enough here to feed an army!" the mage exclaimed. "I think I love you!"

"I do have three little soldiers," she replied proudly, "and I swear they eat more than I do."

Isabela leaned alluringly against the counter, twirling a lock of hair in her fingers. "And who's the nice man in the picture with the spectacles? Their father?"

"Their great-granddaddy. He'll be 95 this year. And don't forget he's gay. In fact, he's _double_ gay. The sight of naked women makes him vomit."

"Well, _I'm_ double gay," Fletcher announced, "but I think naked women are quite b—" He was cut off mid-sentence by Fenris, who whispered something in his ear. "Ohhh," the mage said loudly. "Absolutely right. Vomit. In fact, Isabela, the sight of your cleavage is making me a bit nauseous. Be a dear and put them away?"

"Do not overdo it!" hissed Fenris through gritted teeth.

"This is _fabulous!"_ Fletcher cheered around a full mouth as he sampled Carrie's pecan pie, followed by a mouthful of macaroni cheese. "I've died and gone to heaven! Here, Sister," he said to Lorelai, plating up a selection of food and passing it to her. "Fen? Come and try this, you'll love it!"

"Perhaps we should say grace first?" Sebastian suggested with a raised eyebrow. Fletcher looked up, his eyes wide, cheese sauce smeared around his mouth.

A chill came over the room, then, and Anders's ghost floated through the kitchen table, stopping at its centre. "That's right, stuff your faces! Not a thought for those of us who can't eat! Honestly, you people think of no one but yourselves!"

An unusually dour look came over Fletcher's face and he stood up, his meal interrupted. "Fen, I'd like you to step out."

"He's going to cast!" Lisa said to Carrie excitedly.

"I believe I will remain here," Fenris replied, knowing Anders was in serious trouble for disrupting Fletcher's enjoyment of food.

Fletcher sighed. "All right, then, I'll try to make this quick. Excuse me," he said to Carrie and Lisa before walking to the window, where he looked out, appearing to go into a trance.

With the Fade open, Fenris clutched the back of one of the kitchen chairs, grimacing, but made sure he was watching Anders closely.

Ghost Anders floated away, appearing panicked. "Now, y-you don't want to do this, Hawke!" His spectral head then snapped backwards, as though a heavy blow had been landed on his face.

Returning from the Fade, Fletcher blinked and walked away from the window, immediately moving to Fenris's side to check on him. "Sorry about that," he said to everyone, "but _someone_ needed to shut up."

Ghost Anders slinked to the corner, rubbing his jaw and looking decidedly chastened.

"Bravo, Serah Hawke," Sebastian congratulated him, reaching for his hand.

"Maker, I wish I could do that!" said Lorelai. "Could you take one of my daggers with you the next time?"

"What, and stab his ghost? I'd be happy to oblige, but I'm afraid I couldn't take your dagger with me. It belongs on the mortal plane, and can't exist in the Fade."

"Wait a minute," Lisa pondered. "Does that mean you appear naked in the Fade, then?"

"Eh?" Fletcher frowned. "No! What made you ask that?"

"Well, doesn't your robe belong on the mortal plane? How can it exist in the Fade? What about your boots?"

Fletcher shrugged, one eye on the food.

"Can we not get into advanced Fade theory, chick?" Carrie groaned. "Let's just call it one of those many, many holes in canon."

Lisa crossed her arms as Fletcher—seemingly unconcerned by the disparity—resumed his feast, joined by the others. "Doesn't your precious codex have something to say about this?" she asked Carrie. "If this was a story I was beta-ing, I'd certainly be questioning it. In fact, remember in Origins, during the mage's Harrowing? The mage had to procure a weapon from Valor. He or she couldn't take their own staff into the Fade, and yet they were fully clothed. How does _that_ work?"

"I'll bet she's a _riot_ at parties," drawled Isabela.

"I highly doubt she attends the kind of parties you do," Aveline responded snottily.

"Might want to try some of the salad," the Rivaini advised the captain in a saccharine voice. "It doesn't sit on the thighs as easily as… whatever you're eating."

"Oh, that's rich! Have you seen the size of _your_ thighs lately?" Aveline barked in reply. "I'm amazed that scrap of material you're almost wearing doesn't come apart at the seams."

"Might I remind you all," Sebastian interrupted in a stern voice, "that we are _guests_ in Carrie's home? I'll venture a little more decorum is called for."

"Quite right," agreed Fenris, raising a glass of wine to his hostess.

"Shut it, Seb!" Lorelai hissed with an elbow to his ribs. "They had a fight the last time! They were just building up to it again!"

"Aye, an' I remember what _else_ we saw." Sebastian shuddered at the memory of Isabela's knicker-less display in the Hanged Man.

"Can you spare all this food?" Lisa asked Carrie quietly.

"Yeah, and now I _know_ it's a dream, because I only prepare huge trays of food like that when I'm due to go on vacation, I cook it all to help my mother-in-law out when she looks after the kids. Tuck in, everyone!"

"Oh, yes, of course!" replied Lisa, the two friends taking a seat at the table.

After a huge meal, everyone at the table thanked Carrie and praised her for her culinary skills. "I'm just going to wash my hands," Fletcher said, rising from the table and heading for the stairs.

"Where are you going?" asked Carrie.

"Uh… to wash my hands?" he repeated as though she was daft, and continued up the stairs, shaking his head.

After a few seconds had passed by, the toilet was heard flushing again. Lisa and Carrie looked at each other in horror.

"Oh, crap, you don't think… hey, wait up!" Carrie called, running up the stairs, everyone following her. "You don't wash your hands in there!"

Sure enough, when Carrie reached the bathroom, Fletcher was crouched next to the toilet bowl, shaking his hands off and reaching for a towel.

"Really marvellous things you have here," he said, standing up as a small queue formed for the toilet. "Now, where's the latrine?"

Carrie laughed nervously. "Uh, well, the latrine's somewhere else, and it looks just like the wash basin here, but it's not the same at all. Honestly. Follow me!"

"We'll be in here, washing our hands," Lorelai said, and Carrie almost choked, grabbing the rogue's arm and dragging her to the _real_ wash basin.

"You might find this more suited to your height, Lorelai," she advised as she turned on one of the taps.

"You have washing facilities tailored to people's heights?" asked Varric, shaking his head in admiration. "Well, that's just great!" He flushed the toilet and proceeded to wash his hands in the small cascade of water while Fenris and Merrill lined up behind him.

"Whose toilet is that?" Lisa quietly asked Carrie.

"Mine."

Lisa shrugged. "Could be worse, and it looks spotlessly clean."

"It should be, I scrubbed it just before you called, and I only peed in it twice since then. Flushed it, too."

"So are we just going to let them…?"

"Toilet, eh?" Ghost Anders said from behind the ladies. "Ha! I know your secret! If you don't start paying me more attention, I'll expose you! We'll start with my updated manifesto. Listen up!"

"And what does it say?" Carrie mocked. "'I promise faithfully to blow up the chantry and go nuts within six months of my taking office'? Oh, wait, you already did! Kudos," she said sarcastically.

"No, it doesn't exactly say that, but just because I blew up one… do you have any idea how many chantries there still _are_ in Thedas? My magi brethren are still as oppressed as ever!"

"Aren't you a magister now?" Carrie retorted. "Just how are _they_ oppressed? From what I hear, they do whatever the hell they like."

"Just because I reside in Tevinter doesn't mean I've forgotten where I came from!" he thundered. "Babes are still torn from their mothers' arms on a daily basis! Atrocities are committed against the templars' slaves—yes, _slaves—_ in the name of the Maker! When are you people going to realise—"

"Oh, piss off," Lisa said, stifling a yawn. "Why couldn't _my_ Anders have been here? At least he's got the good manners to go into a sulk when he knows no one's listening to him."

"You of all people should understand!" he said angrily at the Englishwoman. "You always play as a mage, without fail! How can you not be sympathetic to our plight?"

"Lewi Surana and Fletcher Hawke have a few things in common," she replied, referring to her Warden and Hawke mages. "Both are apostate blood mages and both are _happy._ They go about their business—without sticking their noses in others'—take care of their friends and _enjoy_ their freedom! What they _don't_ do is bore everyone rigid going on about some hopeless cause, alienate everyone and then blame the templars because no one invites them to parties anymore!"

"Right, that's it!" Ghost Anders wafted into the middle of the bathroom and noisily cleared his throat. "I just thought you'd all like to know that you've been washing your hands in a latrine! Ha!"

Everyone ignored him, and Merrill stepped up to take her turn.

"Just look at the shape of it! Here, there's a seat!" he pointed out, a note of desperation in his voice. "People sit on there to do a shit, and you're washing your hands in it? Eurgh! And these two," he pointed at Carrie and Lisa, "didn't have the decency to tell you!"

Fletcher whispered something to Fenris, who nodded once and left the bathroom. Ghost Anders squawked in panic and quickly floated out of the room, while Fletcher stood still, concentrating hard as he entered the Fade.

"Follow that ghost!" Lisa ordered. "I don't want to miss this!"

They finally caught up with Anders, who was backed into a corner, apparently unaware that he could pass through walls. "What are you doing?" he shrieked as invisible hands tugged at his clothes. "Hawke!"

"Stay still or I'll burn them off!" Fletcher snarled from the bathroom.

The cowardly ghost offered no resistance as Fletcher divested him of his ethereal apparel, part of him hoping that Lorelai would be overcome by lust. Before long, his transparent body was completely naked. "Hawke, why are—"

"The next time you think up a smart comment, remember you're naked, and that everyone can see your willy. Oh, and another thing," added Fletcher menacingly, "I bumped into Valor on my way here and acquired a staff. If I need to visit you a third time, I'll use it, and it _won't_ be to channel my mana. Understand?"

A maleficent smile spread across Fenris's face, and Ghost Anders moved his hands to protect his bum, exposing his meat and two veg.

Lorelai laughed at the sight. "Cold in the Fade, is it?"

"Fuck off, slag!"

"That is ma _wife_ ye're addressin', you craven by-blow!" Sebastian aimed a punch at the ghost, his fist going straight through it.

"Oof!" Anders clutched his nose, staggering back. "What was that for, Hawke?"

"For Sebastian and for calling my sister a slag! Would anyone else like to hit him while I'm here?"

After Ghost Anders had received another eleven Fade punches—most of them on behalf of Sebastian, Fenris, Carrie and Lorelai—Fletcher returned to the mortal realm, shaking his sore hand, and joined the others.

"Let me get you some ice for that, slugger," Carrie offered, leading them downstairs.

"Now I'm even more confused about the robes," Lisa muttered. "Both of you had clothes on, yet Fletcher had to visit a Fade spirit to get a staff? Am I the only one who cares about this?" She looked around, expecting support, but harrumphed when everyone pretended they hadn't heard her. "Carrie, did you hear what I said?"

"Absolutely, two sugars, chick!" she replied from the kitchen, and Lisa folded her arms, pouting.

"A bit of advice, my little plum pudding," Isabela said, sidling next to Lisa. "You've got a cracking set of norks, there. You need to put them on display a bit, use them to your advantage. Do that, and men will hang on your every word, trust me."

"My norks?" Lisa asked, looking down at her boobs. "But I want the women to listen as well!"

"Then you have to promise to let them into the secret of your gravity-defying puppies! You'll need to lock yourself away, you'll be so in demand!" the pirate promised with a tap to Lisa's arm.

"But… my puppies don't exactly defy gravity. In fact, they're slaves to it."

"Then I'll let you in on a secret," whispered Isabela. "Come on, we need to go somewhere private."

"Uh, Isabela? I'm not sure about this…"

"Have you seen the size of mine? They ought to be polishing my toes, but they're not. Wouldn't you like to know why?"

"All right, but I just want to make it clear that I'm not into… well, you know. _Thingy._ With girls."

Isabela slapped her forehead. "Maker! You thought I was going to…? No! Just helping a friend in need! Come on!" She pulled Lisa into Carrie's bedroom and started rifling through drawers.

"What are you looking for?" asked Lisa. "Don't mess anything up! Carrie spends ages keeping this house tidy!"

"I'll put everything back, I promise. I just need a long piece of fabric, like a thin scarf or something… ah! This might do!"

"What do you need a scarf for?"

Isabela twisted the scarf into a complicated-looking knot before undoing it in a flash. "Girls like us need a bit of buttressing. It's like rigging, really, with a few knots in the right places to provide tension and support. Come on, whip off your top and I'll work my magic."

Lisa cleared her throat and glanced at the doorway, pushing the door closed. "All right, then," she agreed with reluctance, removing her top and bra, covering her boobs with her hands.

"Oh, you are silly! Do you really think I've never seen a pair of tits before?" Isabela scolded. "Move your bloody hands, woman, or I can't do this!"

Feeling a bit embarrassed, Lisa let her arms fall to her sides and Isabela stood back, studying Lisa's rack to determine the type of rigging she'd need. "I see what you mean. They _do_ look a bit down in the dumps, don't they? No matter. I know just the thing!"

The pirate looked up at Carrie's picture, then, before shaking her head. "Funny, I thought I heard something. Never mind. Now hold still."

OoOoO

Back in the kitchen, Carrie had packed Fletcher's hand in ice. With his other hand, he was helping himself to the remains of the pecan pie.

"Okay, everyone," Carrie began, "it's been real nice having y'all over, but we need to figure out how to get y'all home."

"Of course," Sebastian replied with a small bow. "Your hospitality has been beyond compare, but you have your own life, and so do we. We do not wish to outstay our welcome."

"I dunno," mumbled Varric, "I was kinda getting used to the place. As for that wash basin… I'm not sure I want to give _that_ up. I don't even care if it _is_ a latrine. The wash basins in Kirkwall are used as latrines anyway. That thing you've got upstairs? Even I couldn't make that up!"

"And the food's to die for," Fletcher added with a plaintive look at Carrie. "Couldn't some of us stay on? I'll cook for you, free of charge. All you need to do is provide the food, the fuel, the kitchen, utensils… and, of course, Fen and I would need to be fed. And we'd need a bed. _Not_ the one we saw earlier, if you don't mind. Otherwise, totally free of charge. And I promise to wash my hands in that amazing wash basin when I'm cooking for you."

"Oh, please, Auntie Carrie," Merrill begged, "won't you let us stay? I'd love to meet your little soldiers and play a game with them."

Carrie laughed. "Ah, I'm sure they'd love to play with you, too, Merrill, but Sebastian's right. We all have our own lives and I don't really have any room for you to stay."

"I agree," Aveline declared. "I'm in the middle of a major investigation, Hawke and Fenris are always busy, the prince and princess have Starkhaven to rule, and Varric and Merrill have to, um, do whatever it is they do. Carrie has a family and we're only getting in the way here."

"… 'She claimed shiftily, her heart swelling at the thought of being reunited with her burly lieutenant'," Varric finished. "'Not to mention, being bent over her desk and given a good—'"

"Will you stop doing that!" snapped Aveline, bright red splotches springing to her cheeks. She turned to Carrie, ignoring the chuckling dwarf. "I think the key is your friend, Lisa. This is the time of day when she does most of her writing, but sometimes she doesn't write at all. Is tomorrow a work day for her?"

"Yes, it is," Carrie confirmed with a nod. "I'm pretty sure she had an early night and is dreaming all this, but she might take some convincing."

"Does it really matter if she believes it?" asked Lorelai. "All we need to do is wake her up, yes?"

"Wait, I know!" Carrie grabbed her phone and started dialling. "I'm calling her cell. She uses it as an extra alarm next to her bed. All depends whether she's got it on silent, though." She held the phone to her ear and waited.

"Her cell?" Aveline demanded. "Has she committed a crime?"

"Never mind," replied Carrie with a sigh. "It's ringing out. I know, I'll send her a text. The little blue light will flash on her phone. It's worth a shot."

"Where is she, anyway?" Fletcher queried.

Fenris slowly rose to his feet. "More to the point, where is Isabela?"

"Having a little 'private time' with Lisa, maybe?" sniggered Fletcher.

Varric also stood up. "Uh, maybe we'd better go check on them. Make sure they're okay, y'know? What?" he asked, seeing the looks on Aveline and Lorelai's faces.

Carrie moved to the kitchen door, shaking her head. "No, not Lisa. She can't even _write_ about two women doing it… two men, sure, no problem." She rolled her eyes. "Lise? Where you at, sweetie?"

"Almost done!" Isabela called in a sing-song voice.

"Almost done what?" mumbled Carrie before she was grabbed around the waist and bundled inside the kitchen, the door slamming closed. "What the hell!"

Fletcher released her and pushed her, as well as the others, towards its rear. "Stay there!" he commanded, Merrill moving to his side.

"What is going on?" Carrie demanded, a little shaken.

"There's a tear in the Veil!" Fletcher explained as he and Merrill pressed their ears against the door. "We just sensed it! It's somewhere upstairs!"

"That cannae be possible!" argued Sebastian. "We're no' even in our own world!"

"It _is_ possible," Merrill replied. "If Auntie Carrie's right, and this is all a dream, then we're in _their_ version of the Fade. If a bridge is made between our dream world and theirs, then it's entirely possible."

Fenris grunted. "That is the most intelligent thing you have ever said, or are ever likely _to_ say."

"But what's the bridge?" Carrie asked.

"The abomination," Fenris guessed, his lip curling. "Due to his deceased status here, he now exists in _both_ realms. _He_ is the bridge."

Fletcher nodded. "Right! But what was the catalyst? There must have been some kind of event to cause the tear." He sighed, placing his hands on his hips. "What's he gone and done this time?"

Varric made a nervous, throaty sound and stepped forward. "Uh… you know the story I wrote that one time? About Justice and his righteous seed?"

Carrie's face fell. "The righteous seed that would sunder the Veil if it was expelled?"

"That's the one!" answered Varric, snapping his fingers. "The thing is, now it's been written, it's kind of canon. So, if any other spirit were to release its seed…"

"The dirty bastard!" Fletcher flung the door open. "Doesn't he realise what he's done?"

"Wait!" shouted Carrie, and the mage came to a halt. "If there's a tear in the Veil, does that mean demons can enter this world? Lisa's up there!"

"Yes they can, and that's why I need you to stay back! I'll handle this."

"Not without me." Fenris moved to his side. "If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword."

"And you have my bow," said Sebastian, following the elf.

"And _my_ axe," announced Gimli, proudly striding forward.

Fletcher looked down at the small bearded man. "Who in the blazes are you?"

Varric laughed. "You're in the wrong story, my friend. You belong in the Lord of the Rings section."

"Oho!" exclaimed the bearded dwarf. "No wonder there were no bloody trees in here. Gimli, son of Gloin, at your service," he said with a bow.

"Lisa, daughter of Anne, at your service and your family's," Lisa shouted from upstairs, correctly answering the salutation.

"Nerd!" Carrie called back. "You guys okay up there?"

No answer came, and Fletcher moved to her side, holding her back. "Lisa?" He waited a beat, his eyes locking with Carrie's. "Isabela? Anders?"

"We've gotta get up there!" Carrie said in a panic, struggling against Fletcher's grip. "There could be a demon!"

"A demon?" huffed Gimli. "Bollocks to that! I'm off! I've only got a giant, flaming eye to contend with!" He promptly vanished in a small puff of smoke.

"Carrie, I need to know if there's anything that would tempt Lisa," Fletcher said seriously. "If a demon _has_ got a hold of her, it'll be able to sense her deepest desires, even if she doesn't know what they are herself."

Carrie's eyes darted from side to side as she racked her brain. "I don't know, honestly I don't. She loves her food and her smokes, but she has plenty of both. I don't know anything she'd want so badly that she'd sell her soul for it."

Fletcher laid his hands on her shoulders. "Don't worry. She always plays as a mage so she'll know the dangers of temptation better than anyone."

"Uh, yeah, about that?" Carrie rubbed the back of her neck, grimacing. "She always plays as a _blood_ mage."

"Andraste, hear me!" Sebastian fell to his knees and began praying. "Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and the wicked and do not falter. Blessed are the righteous, the lights in the shadow. In their blood the Maker's will is written."

His prayer finished, he got to his feet, held his bow aloft and stood in a heroic pose. "I am armed with purity and righteousness. The Maker's light is my shield, His wisdom and might guide my steps. No demon will stand in my way."

He made his way out of the kitchen, Merrill following. "Well, the demon won't miss you coming in _that_ get-up," she mumbled as Fletcher, Fenris and Carrie brought up the rear.

They cautiously made their way up the stairs, Fletcher pointing in the direction of Carrie's bedroom. "It's in there," he whispered. "Carrie, I want you to stay back."

"Screw that!" She charged ahead, confident that her several play-throughs of Dragon Age would prepare her for an encounter with a demon. She strode to her room, stopping dead when she came up against a wall of strange, orange-coloured packets.

"Lisa!" she said sternly, hands on hips. "Do _not_ tell me you sold your soul for a room full of peanut butter cups!"

"Mm?" a muffled voice asked, following by the sound of chewing. "Don't be silly! You really think I'm that weak-willed?"

"Uh-huh."

"Uh-huh _again_ ," Lisa muttered. "If you must know, that was only part of the deal. Come on in!"

Carrie punched a hole through the wall of PB cup packets, her jaw almost hitting the floor at the sight that met her. Lisa was draped over the bed, her face almost obscured by two huge mounds.

"You sold your soul for enormous tits?"

"No, that was my handiwork!" Isabela answered from the floor, where a silver-haired man in a sharp suit was hand-feeding her PB cups.

"Don't be greedy, Isabela!" scolded Lisa from the bed. "It was my soul that paid for him, not yours!"

With a sigh, Carrie pushed the rest of the wrapper wall away and joined her friend, sitting at the foot of the bed, moving boxes of Lisa's favourite confection out of the way. "Okay… you sold your soul for Anderson Cooper." She shook her head.

" _Straight_ Anderson Cooper."

Carrie's eyes moved to her friend's. "Straight?"

Lisa nodded.

"Huh."

"What's that?" Lisa asked, sitting up straight and looking at the far wall.

"What? I don't see anything."

"It's… a little blue light," she said, standing and slowly walking towards it. "It's flashing. I… must go to it."

"That's the light from your phone," Carrie realised. "My text… It's about to wake you up!"

"Go to the light!" Sebastian commanded. "The Maker, in His wisdom, has intervened!"

"Yes… must… go to the light," whispered Lisa, appearing in a trance as she neared the wall.

"No! Don't go to the light!" Carrie yelled, running after her friend and grabbing her.

"But it's so beautiful…"

"No!" Carrie pulled Lisa away, turning her away from the wall. "Ignore the light! Just give it a bit and you'll fall back into a deeper sleep!"

"Just a minute!" Aveline demanded, "I thought the whole point was to make her wake up! What are you playing at?"

"What kind of friend would I be if I didn't let her have a go at Straight Anderson Cooper?" Carrie replied. "Dream or no, she ain't gonna see _that_ action in her lifetime."

Aveline peered further into the room, raising her eyebrows and pushing out her lower lip as she appraised the man in the suit. "I suppose you wouldn't be any kind of friend at all."

"It's a bloody shame," Fletcher said disconsolately. "All the nice men are straight."

"Actually, normally he—" Carrie began.

"He-hem!" Fenris loudly cleared his throat, giving his lover a severe look.

"What? I was just saying!"

"Have we all forgotten something?" Sebastian interjected. "There is a demon on the loose and a tear in the Veil, as well as a ghost who wantonly spills his vile seed! Lisa _cannot_ wake up until the tear is mended!"

He looked at his wife, who was gawking at the handsome journalist. "Lorelai!"

"Hm? Oh, I suppose you're right." She sighed. "What do you propose, then?"

"We split into groups. One will pursue the demon, while the other will rid us of the wretched scourge that is Anders once and for all!"

Merrill jumped on the spot, clapping her hands. "Ooh, groups! Okay, names. What shall we call the demon group?"

"What?" Sebastian barked. "What in the Maker's name is wrong with—"

"How about… 'The Maker's Chosen'?" Fletcher suggested.

Sebastian drew a deep breath through his nose, his chest swelling as his eyes took on a far-away look. "Aye, that sounds canny tae me."

Lorelai glanced at Carrie and rolled her eyes. "Okay, I'm in charge of the Kill Anders group. Any suggestions for a name?"

"'Kill Anders' is sufficient," said Fenris. "I would join your group, if you will have me."

"Are you kidding? You're my first choice!" Lorelai offered her hand to Fenris, who shook it, his ears turning slightly pink as he subdued a shit-eating smile.

Sebastian scanned the remainder of Carrie and Lisa's characters. "Guard-Captain Vallen, your heart is stout and your sword true. Join me in this virtuous endeavour."

"Just 'Aveline' would have sufficed," she muttered, moving to his side. "Maker, was he this pompous when he courted you, Lorelai?"

"Still is," she answered, giving her husband a sweet smile. "Okay… I'll take Fletcher. Those fists of yours might come in handy."

Fletcher grinned and joined his 'sister' and Fenris, bumping the elf's arm.

"Madam," Sebastian said to Carrie. "We would be honoured to have you."

"Woot!" she screeched, sidling up to the archer. "Call me Carrie," she said, fluttering her eyelashes.

Lorelai laughed as Sebastian roughly cleared his throat. "Varric, would you-?"

The dwarf held his gloved hands up, shaking his head. "Sorry, Princess, but I can't be part of a Blondie-killing group. I know he's kind of a dick, but I'm gonna sit this one out."

"Fair enough," she replied. "That leaves me with Merrill or Isabela."

"Go on without me!" called the pirate from the bedroom. "I'm staying right here in case Lisa needs help with _this_ one."

Suddenly, she was pushed out of the bedroom, the door slamming shut before it was soundly locked. "I can manage, thanks!" Lisa called from the other side of the door.

Undeterred, Isabela sashayed over to the Kill Anders group, parking herself firmly beside Fenris. "Hello, there," she purred.

The elf stared straight ahead. "Isabela."

"Fill your boots, chick!" Carrie yelled to Lisa. "And remember, ignore the light!"

"I will! Thanks!"

"Looks like I'm in your group, then," Merrill said to Sebastian, who responded politely despite his misgivings over having a blood mage join him. "And I'm not going to keep harping on that I was _last one picked_ ," she added haughtily.

The creak of bedsprings was heard from Carrie's bedroom, and Sebastian abruptly led his team away.

"Now, where _is_ that turd?" Lorelai pondered.

Fletcher and Fenris looked at each other before pointing around the corner. "I suspect he ejected his seed somewhere around here," Fletcher said.

Fenris took the lead and his look of disgust was apparent even before the others caught up to him. Ghost Anders was reclining just beneath the hole in the wall, smoking a Fade cigarette and looking very pleased with himself.

"Enjoying yourself, Anders?" Fletcher asked menacingly.

"Fuck!" Anders spluttered and started to cough, plumes of smoke erupting from his mouth. "Hey, I'm just minding my own business here! Maybe you should do the same!"

Fenris stalked forward, placing himself between his lover and the ghost. "I am going to tell you a little story," he snarled. "There once was a depraved Fade spirit who felt an all-consuming need to gratify himself while spying on heedless women. Said spirit's base act of onanism sundered the Veil. Said spirit has just smoked his last cigarette!"

"Sundered the Veil?" Ghost Anders gasped, the memory of Varric's story returning to him. "Wait… what was that last bit?"

"It's staff time!" growled Fletcher. "Bend over, you bloody pervert!"

"No, wait!" Lorelai exclaimed. "I need to be the one to do this! There must be some way you can get me into the Fade!"

Fletcher shook his head. "To do that, we'd need massive amounts of lyrium. I just don't think they have any in this realm."

"Incorrect," Fenris stated. "There is a large container of it in this thing they call a… 'refrigerator'. Did you not see it? My markings reacted to it."

"Uh… I was probably, um, I had things on my mind."

"Yes," Fenris sighed. "I know exactly what was on your mind. Food, of course."

"I'll go and find Carrie!" Lorelai volunteered, taking off at speed. "Fletcher, you go downstairs and get it prepared!"

"Will do, Sis!"

"And _you_ will remain here," Fenris ordered Anders's ghost, who laughed derisively.

"Really? You think you can keep a Fade spirit in one place! Ha! You're more stupid than you look!"

"Each time you disagree with or insult Fenris, you'll get an extra inch of the staff!" Fletcher threatened. "Fenris, how high can you count?"

"Thanks to you, my dear, well into the hundreds."

Ghost Anders gulped and let out a little whine. "I'll be good."

"See that you are." Fletcher made his way to the kitchen and waited, his good manners preventing him from using Carrie's lyrium without asking. Food was one thing, but lyrium was a precious commodity. A mage just didn't steal someone else's stash.

After a minute or two, Lorelai brought a confused-looking Carrie into the kitchen. "Lorelai thinks I have lyrium in here?" she asked doubtfully.

Fletcher nodded and opened the fridge door, removing a large receptacle with strange writing and symbols on it. "I didn't want to use it without your permission." He placed the receptacle on the worktop with reverence and stood back, giving it some space.

Carrie pulled a face and scratched the back of her head. "Uh, that's a bottle of Big Blue soda you got there."

"Funny name for lyrium," Fletcher commented with a frown.

"That's because it ain't lyrium, bud," she replied. "I hate to disappoint you, but…"

"It is," insisted Fletcher. "I was hungry before, and didn't notice, but I can feel its pull. The arcane energy emanating from it is tremendous. This is the purest lyrium I've ever come across! Would it be dreadfully cheeky of me to ask if I can use a bit?"

Carrie shrugged, considering that this wasn't the weirdest thing that had happened today. "Sure. It's on special at Wal Mart. Use it all if you want, I've got more in the basement."

" _All_ of it? Wow…" Fletcher shook his head, serious for once in his life. "Thank you _so_ much. I promise not a drop of it will be wasted." He pointed to the draining rack. "May I use this beautifully-decorated container? It seems appropriate for such an ancient ceremony."

"My daughter's Peppa Pig cereal bowl? Help yourself!"

Fletcher gave a solemn nod and opened the receptacle, pouring the mystical blue liquid into the bowl. "Stand well back," he warned, holding it at arms' length and slowly going up the stairs.

When they reached Anders and Fenris, Fletcher placed the bowl on an occasional table, again warning the others to stand clear.

"Fen? How many inches of the staff has Anders incurred?"

"Fourteen. Or was it forty? I am an _illiterate baboon,_ after all," he replied, repeating one of Anders's insults.

Fletcher stood toe-to-toe with Anders's ghost, their faces almost touching. "I'm going to enjoy this."

"Not as much as I am!" Lorelai joined in, twirling her daggers.

"Lorelai Hawke, step forward," Fletcher invited, calling her to the bowl full of Big Blue. "Fen, be ready to catch her."

The elf moved behind Lorelai and braced himself. "I am ready. No harm will come to you, your Highness. I swear it."

"Thank you," she said.

"Place your hand in the lyrium," Fletcher instructed. "It'll feel a bit tingly, but it's perfectly safe."

Carrie held in a sigh. "That'll be the bubbles…"

Lorelai immersed her hand in the cool blue liquid. "Oh, I feel a bit funny."

"Be ready, Fen!" Fletcher commanded as he opened the Fade.

Carrie watched, mouth agape, as Lorelai collapsed, falling into Fenris's waiting arms. "Holy crap! It actually worked!"

"Lorelai, love!" Ghost Anders exclaimed in a panic, slowly backing away as she materialised in the Fade. "I did this all for you! I only ever had your happiness in mind!"

"You wanked up a wall for me?" she stormed, brandishing her daggers. "You're a complete and utter shit for _my_ sake?"

"Please, my love, be reasonable!" begged the cowardly spirit. "I love-!"

His plea was cut off as two daggers arced in opposite directions, Anders's head cleaved from his shoulders.

"Oh, come _on!"_ Lisa shouted from the bedroom. "How can those daggers exist in the Fade? This is bloody ridiculous!"

"Shut up and shag that silver fox, baby!" replied Carrie.

"Okay!"

"Fourteen inches, Fen," Fletcher declared as Anders's headless body floated to the floor, Valor's staff jammed up his arse.

"Not forty, then? I'm rather disappointed, Fletcher."

The mage shrugged. "Sorry, love." He gawked, then, as a spectral image rose from Anders's ghost's corpse, holding its head under its arm.

"NO!" Fenris howled in outrage, grabbing fistfuls of his own hair. "NOOOOO!"

"I'm Ghost Anders's ghost!" mocked the spirit. "You can't keep a good Fade spirit down! HA!"

"Indeed," boomed another voice, and a ghostly warrior appeared next to Anders's ghost's ghost. "I am Justice's ghost, and an act of gross injustice has been committed here!"

"Huh. So ghosts have ghosts," Varric muttered from behind Carrie, hastily writing down what had occurred. "Hell, if they _drink_ lyrium here, why am I even surprised?"

Fletcher approached Justice's ghost, squaring up to the spirit. "And what injustice has occurred, exactly?"

"This female of the mortal realm committed bloody murder upon Anders's ghost!"

"He was wanking over my author's boobs and he ruined her friend's carpet!" argued Fletcher.

"That is _not_ justice! His ghost did not deserve to die for that!"

"Oh, you want to talk about justice? He blew up the fucking chantry! Where's the justice for that?"

"Is this true?" Ghost Justice demanded of Ghost Anders's ghost.

"Whaaat? You were there!"

"I was not. Justice was there. I am Justice's ghost. I have no memory of prior events."

"It's true!" Lorelai confirmed. "I was there, too! He killed over fifty people inside and Justice _helped_ him!"

Ghost Justice straightened up. "In that case, there is only one thing to be done."

Fenris watched with immense satisfaction as Ghost Anders's ghost and Justice's ghost exploded into a million pieces. Fortunately, the explosion occurred on the spirit plane, and did not affect Fletcher or Lorelai.

Then, from each of Ghost Anders's ghost's pieces, arose a million ghost pieces. Which all exploded.

"He's finally dead," breathed the princess, hugging Fletcher. "Thank you, Brother! Thank you, all of you!"

Mortal Lorelai started to stir, and Fenris gently patted her cheek as Fletcher emerged from his trance. "You okay, Fen?" the mage asked, worried that opening the Fade had hurt his lover.

"It was worth every second," the elf responded.

When the Kill Anders group—plus Varric—had gathered themselves, they set off in search of the rest of the _Maker's Chosen._

They found Sebastian further along the landing, examining a small box. Aveline was standing next to him, looking furious.

"The tear in the Veil is mended," Fletcher declared. "Looks like the demon's gone, too."

"And Anders is finally dead!" Lorelai cheered, peering over Sebastian's shoulder. "What's that, dear?" she asked her husband.

Aveline huffed. "Mighty, righteous, incorruptible Sebastian, my arse! He must have lasted about five seconds before the demon tempted him!"

Lorelai gasped. "No! Not my Sebastian! What did she tempt you with? What did you want so badly that you sold your principles, your honour?" She snatched the box from him and scowled at it. "Nodding Maker doll? What the hell is that?"

"I never knew such wonders existed until the demon showed me," Sebastian said apologetically. "I thought it might look nice in the rear of our stagecoach."

"He wanted a nodding Andraste as well," said Aveline, "but the demon wanted _my_ soul in exchange for that. It's lucky _some_ of us have self-control!"

Lorelai calmly handed the doll back to Sebastian, looking up at him. A tense silence ensued before she popped him on the nose and stomped away.

"Darlin'!"

"Don't you darlin' me! You can forget another heir for Starkhaven! You're never coming _near_ me again!"

He ran after her to the kitchen, where pots and pans could be heard clattering.

At that moment, Carrie's bedroom door burst open and Lisa staggered out, walking like John Wayne, her hair in the Finger-in-the-Electric-Socket style, her boob scaffolding demolished. Thankfully, she'd remembered to throw her clothes back on. "What's going on?" she panted, sinking onto all fours.

"Hey! How was your shag?" asked Carrie, crouching next to her friend.

"Who... who am I, again?"

"That good, huh? You're Lisa, remember? You just got nailed by Anderson Cooper!"

"Oh yeah," Lisa said dreamily before her face dropped. "Oh, chick, I'm so sorry. I think we ruined your bed."

Carrie ventured a quick glance inside the room. One of the legs of her bed had collapsed, and the entire thing was covered in crushed orange packets and brown gloopy stuff.

"Uh, chick? That _is_ chocolate, right?"

"Of course it is! Look, I'll pay for a new bed, I'm so sorry!"

"Eh, I never liked that bed anyway."

"What? Really?"

"Sure! Don't sweat it, chick!"

Lisa hugged Carrie, touched by her friend's generosity.

"Where's Anderson, anyway?" asked Carrie.

Lisa gave a wistful sigh. "Gone in a puff of smoke."

"Let's get some ice for that muff of yours," offered Carrie, helping Lisa up. _"You're_ applying it, though. What happened to Isabela?"

"That was _quite_ diverting," quipped the pirate, emerging from the nook where the hole in the wall was.

"Isabela!" Lisa shrieked.

"What? It's only little me. I've already seen your boobs. Honestly, some people are _so_ uptight." She sauntered down the stairs, followed by the rest of the gang, except Lisa and Carrie.

"Sweetie," Carrie began seriously. "I'm afraid for you now you've sold your soul."

Lisa beckoned her closer. "I'll let you into a secret. There's no such thing as a soul."

"You sure about that, hon?"

"Quite sure."

"Well, you may be in for a surprise when the time comes."

"And you may be in for a disappointment."

Carrie shook her head.

Lisa nodded.

The two friends laughed, then, agreeing to disagree. "Come on, let's get you that ice."

When they reached the kitchen a celebration was going on, or, rather, Fletcher had broken into the food again.

"Y'all want doggie bags?" Carrie offered, answered by several enthusiastic nods.

Lisa sat on a bag of frozen veg and assisted to bag up some food for the others. She looked up, then, seeing a flashing blue light on the wall. "The light's back!" she announced.

"Okay, everyone, this is it!" said Carrie, handing out the doggie bags. "Lisa's about to wake up, so say your goodbyes!"

Several hugs were exchanged, some longer than others, notably Carrie's hug of Sebastian and Lisa's hug of Fenris.

"Bye, chick!" said Carrie with a wave as Lisa walked towards the light. "See you soon!"

"Bye!" Lisa replied. "Love you! Sorry for ruining your house!"

"No worries! Mwah!"

And then, in a flash, everyone was gone. Carrie sighed and looked over her wreck of a kitchen before grabbing a cloth and some cleaning fluid. "Back to it, then," she said with a shrug.

**Later that day**

"Hey!" Carrie greeted Charles as he came through the door, exchanging a kiss and a hug with her husband. "Good day?"

"Yeah, not bad at all. You?"

"Interesting," she replied as he sat on the couch, reaching for his newspaper. "Coffee?"

"Sure." He watched as she went out of the room. "Pumpkin?" he called.

"Yeah?"

"There a reason why our bed's out on the front lawn? On fire?"

"Ah, I never really liked that bed much."

There was a pause. "O-kaaaay. So, you said your day was interesting. Anything exciting happen?"

Carrie walked in, two coffees in her hands. She passed one to Charles. "You have _no_ idea."

"What, you did three loads of laundry instead of two? Atta girl!"

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you right back, sweetheart," Charles joked as a cushion was launched at him. "What's for dinner?"

Carrie walked through to the kitchen. "Thought I'd try something with peanut butter cups tonight. _God knows we've got enough of 'em,"_ she muttered under her breath.

Charles blinked before shaking his head and opening his paper.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
